I'm lonely. 


Not in the I-have-no-friends, my-life-is-awful, there's-no-reason-to-live way because it's not like that. I have amazing friends whom I love to death and wouldn't trade for the world. I love my life, and the direction in which it is heading. This is different. I don't know how exactly to describe it. 


I've heard theories that a girl will hop from man to man in an attempt to replace an absentee father. I am sure in some cases that is accurate, but I don't feel that fits me. I have come to accept the fact that I don't have a father who is capable to follow through or support me. I realize some people don't have the capacity for that. I'll never be able to forgive him, but I at least don't try to date men that will be my father. 


I miss the companionship. I miss being able to snuggle up to someone at night. I miss having someone care about the most menial little detail of my day. Not in the suspicious, resentful way of course; but in the genuine, love-filled way. I am tired of games. I am tired of having to think seven steps ahead of myself in an attempt to show what I'm thinking or feeling. 


I want to be able to do or say something that pops into my head just because. I don't want to have to have reasons to justify my actions in case it comes off as too forward or overbearing. I am an intensely affectionate person, and I want to be able to show that whenever I feel like it. 


In high school, whenever I'd run into a friend even if I'd seen them just the day before we would hug. It wasn't anything other than a friendly way of saying "Hey- you're awesome and I'm gonna show you how awesome I think you are with this cute hug." I feel like there aren't enough hugs anymore. Everyone is so concerned with appearances that all care for people has gone out the window. I want to hug, and talk for hours, and just... connect. 


I'm tired of superficiality.


I miss my best friend. 


I'm not saying right now, but I want love. I have to get to where I want to be in life, first though. So maybe this feeling will stick around a while longer and I'm going to have to be okay with that, but I want to feel not so alone someday. Probably months, maybe years, but someday I will not be so lonely. 


Had to get that out. Emo moment over, for now. Thanks, guys.