I am terrified.
So many changes are happening in my life right now, and I am seriously hoping that I will be able to keep up.
I lost my job. I lost my love. I am moving in less than three weeks and hardly anything is packed up. I am an emotional light switch with an electrical short. The only thing that is going to make anything better is time.
I hated my job, but having worked there for almost 2 years was slowly chipping away at any semblance of a soul I may have left. Overall, I will find another and everything will be alright. I'm lucky that I happened to be let go right before I get my massive tax refund so I don't have to worry about money on top of all this. Applications sure are a tedious process, though.
The tightness in my chest never really goes away, and every moment threatens another outpouring of emotion that I can't control. I am okay when I'm around others, that is for sure. At least my subconscious knows to hide any sadness I am harboring. Probably for fear of looking like the biggest idiot on the face of the Earth. All I know is that stupid romantic comedies never address how much breaking up hurts when you're the one who initiates it. There is no way to prepare for the ever-present empty space that hoards every scrap of happiness within it's cavernous abyss. I hurt, and it's all my fault.
I can't let this bring me down. You know how when you are upset, and you just smile you start to feel better despite yourself? Maybe thinking about the positives will do something similar.
There is always good with bad. Positives in my life include:
- I have been able to connect with my mom. We drifted apart for a while, but things are getting better. She is such an amazing woman, and I am so happy to have been the best swimmer.
- New opportunity to find fulfilling employment.
- Motivation to meet my body goals.
- The ability to re-immerse myself in service to others, and meet like-minded people in the process.
- This was a kick in the pants to find what I want, and make it happen.
I can't wallow. Life is an adventure, damn it and I'm going to get my slice... or however that saying goes.
